Chidambaram asked Orissa CM not to swap Naxal prisoners for abducted collector

... insists that government should have handed over Mayawati instead.

"Let the Naxals deal with her so I don't have to," he said.

In response, Mayawati has fired back and said: "He [Chidambaram] just wants to eliminate North Indian politicians who have a single name like mine: Mayawati.  Mr. Home Minister, single names are no longer the dominion of the politicians of South India," she said in an interview at the inauguration of her latest statue.

The Naxals, meanwhile, have agreed to return to the negotiating table so long as their new single demand is met: "Promise you won't give us Mayawati.  We have enough problems of our own."   

New Railway budget to have SMS complaint facility for unhappy passengers

... no funds allocated for addressing the complaints.

Railway Minister, Mamata Bannerjee, is pleased that the SMS complaint facility will be set up even if it is of limited use.  "At least people will have the feeling that they can report their grievances."  In response to claims that the measure is half hearted, Ms. Bannerjee responded: "We will have the team we can afford."

"When you have a Rs. 4,000 crore shortfall in the railway budget, you have to get creative," said Ms. Bannerjee.  Ms. Bannerjee has also created a new list of SMS abbreviations to ensure that her staff will be able to understand the complaints.

"TNW: Toilet Not Working."

"DAATW: Driver Asleep At The Wheel."

"MAATW: Minister Asleep At The Wheel"

"FSLMF: Food Smells Like Monkey Feces."

New law to curb number of guests at weddings to limit food waste

... exhausted guests celebrate.

Said a Delhi socialite, "This rule hopefully means I'll be able to catch up on my favorite TV shows."  Fido was unhappy that he'll have to go back to sharing the TV with his mistress.  "I was really enjoying watching what I want, when I want," he said.

The Ministry of Food and Consumer Affairs claims that "maximum amount of food is wasted at weddings."

In response, Mr. Kapil Sibal, minister of Human Resource Development proposed a quota system for weddings.  "A 25% quota should be reserved on the guest list for homeless people and beggars.  Then we can ensure that no food goes to waste."

This announcement has led to riots by the middle class: "We are better qualified eaters; we'll consume more food than the poor," said a representative of the Middle Class Association of India.

Meanwhile, concerned citizens will now have to find new ways to flaunt their wealth.  Said a local industrialist.  "My office has already contacted Elton John's agent to see when he's available to perform at my daughter's wedding."  

PM not graceful enough for Jaitley

... insists that PM sign up for ballet lessons.

Arun Jaitely, BJP leader of the opposition (Rajya Sabha) was not pleased with the manner in which the PM announced the formation of the Joint Parliamentary Committee to investigate the 2G scam, calling the announcement not "graceful" enough.  Said Mr. Jaitley, "I've been taking ballet lessons for years, ever since I was in law school."

"Let the members of the BJP be a guiding light to the PM.  We are always gracious and tolerant of others and we demand nothing less from the PM," added Mr. Jaitley, no doubt referring to Mr. Narendra Modi of Gujrat.

Inmates not allowed to watch world cup, go on hunger strike

... Children around the country to follow suit.

In a turn of events that has created a national revolution, Indian children have been inspired by the inmates of Nabha maximum security prison who went on hunger strike when they found they wouldn't be allowed to watch the World Cup Matches.  

"We expect that all the children are going to fail their board exams this year," said the head of the NCERT.  A special committee has been convened in New Delhi to chart a course of action.  "The best thing to do will be to quiz the students on their knowledge of cricket," said Mr. Kapil Sibal, the minister who is heading the committee.  It was later explained to Mr. Sibal that children were obsessed with the sport, not with the insect.

"All that matters is we only lost 2 crores during the 2G scam.  What's 2 crores?  It's nothing," he said.

Meanwhile, Ramesh, a young boy who lives in the slums of Bombay is pleased with the turn of events.  "With all these people turning down food, there'll be more for me," he said.

Cabinet Note: Government surveillance tapes prone to being leaked ...

... government identifies new source of revenue: selling juicy tidbits to the media.

Said a senior representative of the Home Ministry: "Since we are tapping lakhs of phones every year, we might as well make some money by selling the best gossip to the media."

The system is being hailed as ingenious and the US is considering discussing this groundbreaking new form of revenue generation at the next G-8 summit.  Said President Obama at a press conference : "US Weekly has already offered us $10 mm a year for exclusive access to our wire taps of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan."

A senior director for Mid-Day News in Delhi agreed: "Wouldn't you want to know what the Bachchan family talks about at dinner.  Or after dinner for that matter?  I certainly would."

New Report: majority of Mumbai residents have to walk more than a mile to get water ...

... women from across the country are moving to Mumbai as part of their weight loss regimen.

Said a Delhi socialite: "My trainer tells me that walking a mile with a bucket of water on my head will burn at least 600 calories.  I spend an hour on the treadmill and burn only two fifty."

Residents of the Dharavi slum in Mumbai will be auctioning their water carrying routes starting next week.  Said Sheila-bhen, a long time resident of Dharavi and a day laborer by profession: "I'm hoping to sell my water-carrying route for three thousand rupees a week."

Mr. Suresh Kalmadi, Chairman of the Organizing Committee of the Commonwealth Games, will be campaigning to make Water-Carrying an Olympic Sport.  "Just like we took Kabaddi to the Asian games, we will make sure that the hard work of our people can be made an international sport."

Mr. Kalmadi is already seeking offers from international companies to manufacture competition level water buckets.  "These buckets will be light weight and performance ready."  He clarified: "They will be very expensive.  Maybe eighty or ninety thousand rupees a bucket."

Artists support Rahat Fateh Ali Khan's return to Pakistan ...

... "he obviously didn't know the laws of the land," claims one Pakistani artist.  "In Pakistan, we don't pay taxes, our country's expenses are met by donations from the US government."

Rahat, who made his Bollywood debut by singing for the movie Paap, also expressed his shock at his detention.  "I was carrying the money in plain sight in my bags," he said.  If I was trying to hide it I would have stuffed it in my harmonium."

Indian director Vishal Bhardwaj said: "Even if something has happened, he is an artist, so one shouldn't be harsh on him. He should be allowed to go back."  The Indian government will be convening a special meeting of Parliament to take Mr. Bhardwaj's suggestions under advisement.

Said a senior member of the Congress party.  "Artists and stars all over the world have been above the law for decades.  India is lagging behind in giving them special treatment.  "In the US: OJ Simpson, Paris Hilton, Linday Lohan were all allowed to commit crimes and be freed.  Why shouldn't India do the same?" 

The opposition has lashed out against the Congress, claiming that this is just one more failing of the ruling party to take India in to the 21st century.  

Indian foreign minister reads Portuguese foreign minister's speech at UN

India's foreign minister, SM Krishna, was congratulated by his contemporaries from other countries who marveled at his ability to fluently translate the Portuguese to English.  "He hadn't ever heard the Portuguese Minister's speech.  I know this because he and I were both asleep while it was being delivered," said French Foreign Minister Michèle Jeanne Honorine Alliot-Marie.  

Apparently Krishna has been learning the language for several years now and decided to showcase his newfound skills at the latest meeting of the United Nations in the US.  "It's been a secret passion of mine for many years, to speak Portuguese fluently, and when I found the Portuguese minister's speech, just lying there on the lectern, I decided to make a go of it.  Of course, I was inspired by this recent photo of Indian badminton superstar, Saina Nehwal, which I now carry in my wallet."

The BJP has made allegations that Krishna has secretly been courting Gisele Bundchen, the Brazilian super model.  Said a senior representative of the BJP: "He learnt how to speak Portuguese so he could serenade her in her own language."

Krishna laughed at the suggestion, saying that Gisele doesn't speak Portuguese, she only speaks English and Brazilian.  "Portugal is an amazing country with a great soccer team.  I've learnt the language so I can cheer along with other soccer fans."

Chandrayaan-1 discovers water on the moon ...

... decides to stay in space, says water supply better than Delhi.

The head of the the Indian Space and Research Organization has criticized the actions of Chandrayaan-1 and demanded that it return to Earth.  "Chandrayaan belongs to the Indian government.  Besides, I have listed the camera from Chandaryaan-1 for sale on e-bay and I already have twenty-five bids."

In other news, the Shiv Sena has demanded that Charayaan remain in space becuase its phallic penis-like shape will send the wrong message to the youth of the country.

Said a senior representative: "We would prefer that the next lunar probe be in the shape of a trident."  The Shiv Sena will be constructing a large sign in the Thar Desert that is visible from space: "Penis shaped probes not welcome in India."

Drillbit, the resident drilling machine in the Thar desert has volunteered its services to the Shiv Sena free of charge.

Hindu deity picture on slippers causes outrage in Malaysia

... Said a senior representative of the Malaysia Hindu Sangam: "Everyone knows that Hindu Gods are all-powerful and with that power comes an extremely heightened sense of smell.  We can't have them smelling foot odor all day long.  It's inhuman."

A local gorilla on the scene was in agreement.

In protest, Hindu extremists have been kidnapping locals who buy these slippers and tickling their feet till they apologize.

Pakistan is building a fourth nuclear reactor ...

... Americans overjoyed.  "We are thrilled to see that the billions of dollars in aid that we have given to Pakistan are being used to build nuclear reactors instead of being wasted on education or elimination of poverty," said a senior representative of the US government.

In the last decade Pakistan has doubled its nuclear weapons stockpile.  The US government supports this increase as part of its drive to decrease poverty worldwide.  Said a senior representative of a Washington DC based think-tank: "According to our research, dropping nuclear bombs on people is the best way to eliminate poverty.  We bombed Japan and they seem to be doing just fine."

Pakistan's new reactor is fueled by plutonium, instead of uranium.  This is part of a growing trend: Pakistan is making more plutonium based nuclear weapons because they are more compact.  Said the Pakistani Army General in charge of the nuclear weapons program: "The modern day terrorist doesn't have time to check in luggage.  It's important to make compact bombs that can be carried as hand luggage."

Street Sign leaves Delhi drivers bewildered

“What is a lane?” asked one confused driver. 

Unchecked, reverse reproductive tourism will eliminate female population in India by 2050

... Indians are traveling to Dubai and Singapore for sex determination tests.

The Indian government has decided to import young girls from Africa to fill the gap.  Said a representative of the State Trading Corporation of India, "When we have shortage of pulses or coal, we import it from Africa.  Why not do the same with women?"

Meanwhile businesses are adjusting their forward looking plans.  Makers of fairness creams see their business booming.  "African women are usually dark skinned, and men in India like fair skinned girls," said the head of marketing for Fair and Comely creams.

But not everyone is happy.  "We are considering removing the  colour pink from our catalog of colors," said a senior representative of Asian Paints.  "Men just don't buy enough pink and without women, the colour will not make us enough money.

In response the gay population of India is planning a protest next month.  Said, a spokesperson for an LGBT organization that wishes not to be named: "The colour pink is an essential part of our home decorating agenda.  Why should we have to suffer?"

In more heartening news, the gay male population expects additional converts and is looking forward to seeing its membership swell.  "With the female population being wiped out, what choice will men have but to become gay?" Said a recent convert as he was getting his ears pierced.

ISRO sells spectrum at below market rates

... not to be outdone by A Raja's 2G scam, the Bangalore based Indian Space Research Organization (ISRO) has decided to sell satellite broadband services at below market rates.

In response to this discovery, an embarrassed representative of ISRO said, "we were under the impression that what happens in space, stays in space."

The PMs office has engaged, "Marvin the Martian" to protect Indian satellites in space from being looted again.  "Marvin is an impartial and incorruptible agent," said the PMs office.

In response, there have been allegations that the PM is under the control of the Martian army.  "Why else would he wear that turban on his head?"  Asked Tamil Nadu Chief Minister M Karunanidhi.  Obviously the Martians have hidden a transmitting device by which they control him.  Look at my head, no transmission device.