Delhi government designates new protected monument

... vows never to remove CWG 2010 signs.  "These signs are a part of the city's landscape now," said the CMs office.  "And if we decide to host Commonwealth games again, we can just update the year on the signs."  Several government contractors protested in response, "we were counting on the revenue that would be generated from overcharging the government to remove the signs and make new signs for the next Commonwealth games."  

Sex scandal at JNU; students make porn video that is circulated by MMS

... college in shock that the couple used high quality equipment for shooting.

"We didn't realize that our students had access to such funds," said a senior administrator at JNU.  "They are obviously hiding their money and we are not charging them enough in fees."  The college intends to hold an emergency meeting to address this issue.

Seeing the increase in MMS traffic, Airtel has launched a new service to distribute the Kama Sutra by MMS.  "Clearly there is a demand for sex by MMS," said a senior representative of the company.  We are also petitioning the government to change the meaning of the acronym MMS.  We want it to stand for 'Messages for Mobile Sex'."

Manmohan doppelgänger spotted

Planning to star in the new Bollywood film: "Sonia ka Gulam" 

SC Justice Ganguly criticizes Deshmukh's appointment as rural development minister

Prior to his appointment, Deshmukh had been censured by the Supreme Court for shielding unscrupulous money-lenders operating in rural areas.

Mr. Deshmukh's office responded as follows:

Time magazine: Mahatma Gandhi amongst Top 25 Political Icons of all time

Gandhi described as unforgettable!  In other news, Time magazine has provided an honorable mention for Laloo Prasad Yadav.  They say, "Gandhi was great, but Laloo is truly unforgettable."  In response, the office of Laloo Prasad Yadav has warned that Laloo doesn't appreciate being compared to Gandhi.  "He enjoys eating too much," they said.  Just ask his wife Rabri.  Or her sister Jalebi.

Goa divorce rate: 6 per week in 2010

... in response, the Goa CM's office said, "this should dispel any myths about Goan people being lazy."  Not to be outdone, UP CMs office provided statistics of the women who are beaten by their husbands everyday.  "It burns a lot of calories, beating your wife."

M&A news

Telegu actor Chiranjeevi has announced the merger of his Praja Rajyam Party with the Congress Party.

In response to allegations about backdoor deals, the congress responded, "no that is not a younger Sonia ji in the picture."

Delhi government launches drive to promote friendship between giants and midgets

... Said the CM's office: "Now people of all heights will know there is a speed breaker ahead"

Supreme Court rules that being member of banned organization not a crime

... in other news, retired Al-Qaeda members are buying office space in Connaught Place

Delhi government discovers new water source

... Said the CM's office, "Now we just have to find a way to get it to people's homes."

Bipasha Basu wrote: John and I are a smoking hot couple

... she went on to add, "and we have more money than you"

High court rules astrology is a science

... says a leading scientist, "I knew we'd win because the judge is a Capricorn. Blessed is science."

Man declared dead by AIIMS doctors wakens on his way to the morgue

... revived by smell of feces in the hallway

Chavan becomes first Maharashtra CM to be charged in FIR

... now seeking asylum in Uttar Pradesh.  2nd option: Bihar

City discovers cause for electricity shortage

President vows to read by candle-light

The Real Slumdog Millionaire

PM excited to host next show at Race Course Rd. Plans to wear red turban in celebration.

  

State of Maharashtra has "gifted" 500 acres of land to 6 builders

... Chief Minister didn't have time to buy real Christmas presents

TOI reports: "Train to Dahanu still a year away"

... this will impact Indian railways' on-time performance record

Govt will not provide water connection to slums since slums don't pay tax

... "we will continue to focus on not providing water connection to tax paying citizens," said a Jal board spokesperson

New Bill to permit 12 year olds to have non-penetrative sexual encounters

... opponents believe this will increase the incidence of teenagers admitted to hospital for getting their braces stuck together while kissing

US justifies use of ankle bracelet for tracking of illegal Indian Students

... Indian government protests.  Said GOI spokesperson: "Tracking them isn't enough.  The US must keep them, we don't need any more Indians here"

Air India special flight brings home stranded Indians from Egypt

... said AI spokesperson: "nobody has more experience than us in transporting angry and frustrated passengers"

Camels to get special lane in Delhi

Said CM's office: "Now that we have BRT, CST (Camel Slow Transport) is next.  This will show people of Delhi that buses aren't as slow as they think."  The President of the National Camels Association expressed his support for the measure with a nine burp salute.

BJP exonerated in Karnataka church attacks

... said BJP spokesperson: "we have decided to focus only on the demolition of mosques."

Indian businessman indicted for tax evasion in the US, hid money in India

... Indian politicians excited to learn that money doesn't have to be moved abroad to be hidden

Tendulkar has earned Rs. 1.5 Crore per day so far in 2011

... promises to stop fixing matches once he makes Rs. 2 Crore per day

Milk scam discovered

Trucks are hoarding milk.  Politicians are angry. "We are the ones who perpetrate scams.  The trucks have no right to get involved.  This is war," said an enraged politician from Gujrat.

The trucks will go on a one day strike in protest.  Citizens rejoiced at the news that the roads will be free of trucks.  Hearing this, the trucks cancelled their strike. But they're still pissed off.

Income Tax Dept. exposes Priyanka Chopra's nine flats

... onlookers awaiting exposure of more interesting assets

Wombs for rent to be regulated

... squatters to be relocated

Salman: Freedom not worth having if it doesn't include freedom to make mistakes

... like 'Veer'

Katrina Kaif rep. claims she holds Income Tax Dept. in high regard

... and the lies begin

Pak foreign minister to visit India for talks

... on what colour to paint the fence at the Wagah border

Maharashtra governor claims no more power cuts starting 2012

... arrival of year 2012 could be delayed.  Inconvenience is regretted 

Yeddyurappa swears by God he is innocent

... God is still trying to pronounce his name:  Bookanakere Siddalingappa Yeddyurappa

Delhi Police march at Republic Day Parade

... Demand bribe to leave

GOI has info on intl. black money holdings of Indian citizens. Finance Minister won’t disclose due to absence of legal framework

... In other news, it's been discovered that there is in fact a legal framework.  It’s called jail

BJP Leaders deported from J&K, seek asylum in Punjab

... Plan to invade Kashmir tomorrow armed with butter chicken

Canadian PM believes that Indians can run the world

... one call center at a time

FIR lodged against Facebook for “I hate Gandhi Group”

... Mark Zuckerburg to go on bhuk hartal